As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
