did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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