she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
