Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
