dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
