please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
