I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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