Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
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just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
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I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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