Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
