i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
