when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
