so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
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I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
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