he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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