You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
