He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
