I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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