I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
