he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Randomize
