told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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