wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Im part way to drunk.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
