Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
