i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
