She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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