If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
