I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
