Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
