it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
