There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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