Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
