Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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