remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
