Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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