That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
