my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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