How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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