On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
