I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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