I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
4 words: hood of his car
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
