My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
