I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
