so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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