Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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