I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My pussy is not your playground.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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