she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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