census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
only if we run a train.
done.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
