hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
