just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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