He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
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For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
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Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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