I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
