Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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