So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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