Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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