**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
