i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
