Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
