just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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