When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
