Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
