I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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