Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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