i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
